July is near and I am turning two very soon but before I even joined the boat, I vowed to myself that I will change everything in me. I vowed to let them inside and make them part of my decision. I promised that mine will be the happiest and the least stressed of all. Indeed, it happened and we have always been called out because of our boldness. All that we had was that boldness. We never hit the target but we remained to be seen as the happiest and the least stressed. Wait up... Did I say it twice? Yes, I did to put stress to what I was saying. LOL.
Fast forward, I got a different prayer at the start of the year. I went to the mountain to re-commit myself to God about the change. As mentioned in one of my blogs, I met someone last year who was a dear advocate of change. She was very radical that's why the changes that she has done before, everyone is now reaping the fruits of it. I drew that line of division once again and the ground rules are put up once more. It took a toll on me when I pushed myself to do the right thing. I skipped a day and told Mr. M that I was not feeling well. The following day I sent him an SMS telling him that I will be coming in later. After a period of silence from him, I sent him another one confessing why I was feeling sick. That day was very important for me for I asked my prayer warriors to mum their prayers for me for it was really taking its toll on me. I felt like I was fighting what was natural in me.
Four months had passed and I believe I was able to clean up my own yard and I felt that I have started a new life. However, I have this kind of hole in me. It's like an abyss. A never ending deep of the ocean. Their laughters were gone. The warmth has been extinguished. The bond was broken. I knew that the house was grumbling down and I did not see that coming. I did a weather check and I know what will I be hearing from them. I asked God, am I taking it to the extreme? Have I gone mad? Have I gone bad? Have I gone too far? Have I been unfair? Have I forgotten how to really care for these people? I was hurt, broken and disheartened but I made them what they are right now.
Looking back, the relationships I tried to put up were ruined and I dunno where should I start building again. I have God on my side and He will restore every single thing that has been ruined in me. One Sunday, I dropped by at the Victory bookstore and browsed through the books that they have on the shelves. I saw and stopped at a book that looks familiar to me. Aha! It was the book once mentioned in one of PRH's preachings. The book is entiitled: "You were born unique, so don't die a copy" by John Mason. God illuminated in me that I should be me. I should be the real me in dealing with things. I remember what I said before that we will be different then it struck me, I just became like everyone else. I felt like I did not give premium to what God has stored up in me. He reminded me that He created me unique and I should be what He created me to be. He spoke to me and told me that i still can be "just" at the same time "unique" and "happy" as I have been created.
Thank you, Lord for making me unique and I will finish my race unique as You have made me.
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